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Posted by Paul on 28 May 2017 - 02:43 AM
I have received a few communications through the Cebu Forum, regarding the subject of this thread. So, I figured I would answer them, better here than there, though.
This month, May, marked five years for me living in Cambodia. I never thought I would be here this long, honestly. When I first arrived, Cambodia was going to be a stop off point for me returning to the Philippines. I figured I would stay here maybe a few months, then move on back to live somewhere on Cebu, or possibly Mindanao. But, things change...
At first, I will admit that hated it here - with a passion. I had arrived during the beginnings of rainy season, and brother, did it let me know it. The first week I was in country, I stayed at the Beach Club Resort located in Sihanoukville. But, during that week, I couldn't do anything except stay in the room.
Until the 7th day, I had pondered giving up "Water World" and moving on to the Philippines early, or possibly to Vietnam for a visit, to the North Pole, or Timbuktoo even. I was willing to be anywhere, except where I was. Fortunately, though, the rains stopped that last day, allowing me to emerge from my room - 109, I think it was, to see something other than the perfect environment for a duck. I decide to give Sihanoukville a look see.
I slowly learned that Cambodia may not be quite as bad as I had originally thought - aside from Sihanoukville being a shit hole, that is. In fact, after learning I could draw USD paper from the ATMs, could use those same dollars to make purchases in country - without having to go through money changers, things were actually a bit cheaper for me than they were in the Philippines.
Visas were definitely cheaper here, and a hell of a lot cheaper than they were in Thailand (where I had just come from). So, why not explore here a bit, prior to just leaving the country without having seen any of it?
After I had been in country a while, residing in Sihanoukville for almost a year I guess, but not really happy there, I met up with "the Boss", Chan. She had just returned from working oversees for the previous five years. At the time, I believe she was pondering returning to Malaysia for another two year contract. But, we hit it off and she didn't leave.
Fast forward to November - December 2013. We visited her home town, Battambang. We went and visited her parents, who were living at the farm. Chan had built a little, modest home for them to live in while she was away. She had also dug a decent sized pond for them to raise fish in.
I immediately liked it here, much better than the other towns and cities we had visited, or lived in. I had no reason not to move. She was from Battambang. Her parents were getting up there in age, so I figured, why not move here? She would be closer to them, and we would still have a city to live in.
So, we moved to Battambang City.
We set up solar at the farm, built a proper western toilet with a bum gun, a pressure pump, and a rain water harvesting system to provide us with additional rainwater than they had previously been collecting. This was all primarily for me to be able to start staying out there without having to go completely "native". (A guy has to have his bum gun!)
As our trips to the farm increased, I become more and more attached to the place. Not a large farm, by comparison to others in the area. But, at two full hectares (~ 5 acres), it was more land / space than we would ever need.
Over the years, we made plans to reside there full time. In fact, we slowly started making changes there. We started by adding sixty loads of fill dirt. Later, another sixty. We began constructing outbuildings for animals. Electric mains became available in the area. So, we ran a service drop as well.
More recently, we built a barn, chicken houses, and added temporary digs to the place for ourselves. Visit the Living Green In Cambodia category, and you will see several forums where I have posted various projects we have started, and will continue to do at the farm. We are currently working to achieve complete self-sustainability in the province, living off what we grow and raise. We will buy, trade, or barter for other things we need.
One thing is for damned sure. We have something to keep us busy. Not to mention, I doubt I will be able to live as cheaply in the Philippines ever again, as I can at the farm.
Posted by Bill H on 03 October 2016 - 10:10 AM
I woke up today! Considering the alternative, I'm a happy man. Even though I remain stuck in Bangkok, that too shall end soon and I can go home. Health is something I've taken for granted far too long and I've learned circumstances can change in the blink of an eye. I'm wholly unsure what the future holds or what I will do next, but for now, that's ok with me. I'm alive, that's good enough for the moment.
Posted by JohnOBohn on 24 February 2015 - 08:28 AM
Thailand???? NO WAY. Visas for one, prices of everything, food, beer/booze, women. Unbeliebeable in your face corruption by everyone. A zenophobic national attitude to foreigners.
Snooky? No hassel visa, cost of living cheapest I have seen anywhere in Asia. People much friendlier, corruption, sure but it can be avoided almost completely if you pay attention to what you do. Beaches, very clean air, no traffic.
Posted by Read2Learn on 11 September 2014 - 12:04 AM
Posted by mollydooker on 30 August 2014 - 04:58 AM
Working people frequently ask us retired people what
we do to make our days interesting.
Well, for example, just the other day my wife and
I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a parking meter
cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an a--hole . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Bev called him a s--t head. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home. We weren't too concerned about the
vehicle's owner because of the sticker on the back window:
"I support Muslims".
We try to have a little fun each day now
that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Posted by Paul on 06 August 2012 - 11:35 PM
Posted by Bill H on 20 September 2016 - 11:05 AM
Hey! I'm a poverty stricken unemployed nuclear engineer. That's what the wife tells the relatives when they think I should pay for their poor choices in life.
Read2Learn, syzmic and andy like this Like This
You poor thing! Should we take up a collection for you or just be jealous we are not in your situation? LOL
We no longer attempt to be polite about it. We have a group of relatives that would rather leech off us than raise a finger to earn some money. They are quickly learning not to bother to ask for money, the answer is going to be no, so don't bother to ask. It's sad, but sometimes tough love is the best love.
Posted by mollydooker on 19 September 2016 - 05:35 AM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.’
Posted by mollydooker on 04 July 2016 - 10:17 AM
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained:
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed:
"Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
"Same illness, better health insurance."
Posted by mollydooker on 13 November 2015 - 09:01 AM
Riddle for seniors....
Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?
Think logically before you track down for the answer
Quietly get off the merry-go-round and go home!
Posted by mollydooker on 23 August 2015 - 05:48 PM
Be Proud to be White
Be Proud to be White.........I am....
I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is......
Michael Richards makes his point...and whether we like it or not, he is telliing the truth.
Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point.
This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act.
He makes some very interesting points..
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this?
There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans.. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.
You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... And that's OK..
But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you....
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET....
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US ..
Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, car jack us, and shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud...... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
There is nothing improper about this e-mail..
Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.
That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!
BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET.... But getting very close!
Posted by mollydooker on 04 June 2015 - 11:26 AM
As politically incorrect as only the British can get.
British humour as it used to be - taken at face value - not to be taken seriously.
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed
To use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Omo
In to stop the coloureds from running.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ..
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves
That not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.
Many are drug dealers.
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester
And London :
Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found
That a bacon sandwich works great
Posted by TDCNINJA on 14 March 2015 - 12:47 PM
Could I ask why? (I live on Camiguin island.)
Kenny, I want to answer your question but at the same time I don't want to offend you. Please take any negative comments with the knowledge that people sometimes get negative about a place after a while due to many factors - some, which, are beyond the control of the host town or host country.
Much like Paul, I've had many great experiences in the Philippines, but, my tolerance for crap might be a lot lower than yours.
I've lived in very small towns in the province - almost went bonkers. No one, and I mean no one, to speak English with other than my then GF at the time, and her uncle who was the Chief of Police.
I've lived in Manila and other very large cities and you become prey - a meal for the dredges of society. Dual price system - one for you, one for Filipinos. Every girl that approaches you is friendly when you first meet, but after a few minutes of small talk the shoe drops and you finally find out what they want. I'll leave it to your imagination of what they "want" and by what manner they intend to get what they want.
I've lived in the two most well-known sex-tourist destinations: Subic and Angeles City. Despite what everyone assumes, expats live fairly calm, decent lives in these two places. If Angeles City had an ocean ( I love the water) and the crime was less, I might actually like the place.
I liked living in Subic quite a bit but I was hit by the giant flood in 2013 and came down with leptospirosis. Those two things combined kind of just left a bad taste in my mouth. I would love to give Subic another shot.
Following Subic, I moved to Panglao Island, Bohol. 3 days after I moved there, Typhoon Yolanda hit. No damage at all but power lines that came from Ormoc, Leyte, were completely destroyed and I didn't have power until Christmas. At the same time, they were doing extensive upgrading and repair of the roads making ordinary travel around the Island and to and from Tagbilaran a major pain in the ass at times. When it rained, it was very dangerous to ride a motorcycle even at very slow speeds. For the record, before they began, I thought the condition of the roads were in pretty decent shape compared to almost every other place I've been to in the Philippines. I was told by those who were in the know and by those who had been there for a while that the roads were being completely overhauled because of a planned new international airport on the island.
One night while returning home, I had a nasty motorcycle crash when part of a newly-built temporary dirt road gave way underneath my rear tire. I wasn't drunk and had on a helmet. No life-threatening injuries but I severely bruised my chest wall and had some major road rash. For over two months, every time some one told a joke and made me laugh or if I had to sneeze, I would be in enough pain to cry. Much like my experience in Subic, natural disaster and a dose of bad luck just made me want to leave. I think having no power for so long sucks anywhere you live in the world.
I left Bohol about one year ago and I settled again in Angeles. Not because I wanted to live there but because I had no idea where I wanted to go. I went back to Angeles because of the ease. I can go to Angeles at any time of the year and find an affordable apartment in the span of about 3-5 days.
Now, for some of the offensive parts of my reasons for getting tired of the Philippines: The people.
I lived in Korea for 16 years. Korea is where I cut my teeth on living in Asia. I was married to Korea woman for over a decade and she died of cancer. Despite the cost of living and the so-called language barrier, I loved Korea. I had more male Korean friends than I did foreigner male friends. Koreans never asked me one single time for money, favors or really anything other than my company and time. If I had to make a tally, I received far more than I ever gave to Korea or Koreans.
On message boards,everybody goes on and on about how friendly, warm and hospitable the people are in the Philippines.
Very true when they want something. As far as genuineness, I've yet to have that experience.
I have a total of 0 male Filipino friends. Zero. I'm sure that I could have an entire gaggle of Filipino male friends as long as I bought lots of red horse and cigarettes and have them in stock for my new-found friends. Better add a videoke machine to that as well and lots of pasalubong to keep my new friends happy. Better make sure I don't leave anything valuable around or give them access to anything valuable.
Filipinos speak such great English.
Yes, I have met Filipinos in my life who speak English very well and with a good accent. I have also met people who are fairly conversant in English but have a horrid accent that makes it hard to converse. I've also met more who can't say anything whatsoever.
Before someone tells me that I better learn the local language, I will counter with 25 + years of language, literature and linguistics - both L1 and L2 study that clearly shows that once a person hits 40 there is a physiological hindrance to becoming fluent in a 2nd language. I speak, read, write and understand the Korean language and studied in formal, academic formats. I also learned it before the age of 25. I'm sure that played a big role in my being able to adapt and enjoy Korea.
One of the things that drives me literally insane is the lack of professional behavior among employees in the Philippines. 4 days ago, I went to a local mall to buy a new cell phone to replace a destroyed one and heard one of the clerks make disparaging comments about my body and asking her co-worker to surmise about the size of my cock. Then changing to English to comment on my questions to the clerk that was helping me to set-up my new phone. When I left, I said to the woman in English, "In the future, you might want to watch what you say in front of customers because some of us understand Filipino very well, but just can't communicate as well verbally." She never said sorry or even acknowledged her behavior. Just a shocked look on her face.
I could tell you a million similar stories. Unprofessional doctors and nurses, surgeons, billing staff, lawyers, managers, desk clerks, cooks, any profession. In my experience, very few people take their jobs seriously. But then again, if I made 6 cents an hour I doubt that would give a damn about my job.
I also have a few stories of how well I've been treated. The only problem is they are dwarfed by the negative ones.
The Philippines is known as an Asian nation. But is it really? Culturally, I find Filipinos to behave something more akin to Native Americans (Indians) or Mexicans. Weren't Mexicans originally an amalgamation of Indians and Spanish? At best, they are more Eurasian than anything else.
I love Asia and Asians. Filipinos are no Asians.
400 + years of Spanish rule along with 40+ years of American rule has led to a culturally and racially confused nation with a really pissed-off attitude towards foreigners whether they realize it or not.
P.S. Hey Paul, can you imagine the hailstorm this post would create on LinC?
Posted by JohnOBohn on 27 February 2015 - 10:10 AM
Two different questions to me. Here it is. One bedroom modern. clean apartment in 9 unit building. 6 occupied by foreigners. 7" fence, massive gate, topped with razor wire. Onsite well. In the center of town. Check maps. Less than 5 minute walk from Charlie Harpers.
Rent - $170
Electric - 45 average
Water - 4
TV - 10 Cable supplied by owner but I prefer this company so I have 2 sources
Internet - 24 Not great but best deal in town unless you want to go to around $75 a month
Cell Phone - Your usage determines your cost
Food - 250 More or less. Eat out maybe 8 - 10 times a month. Eat VERY well, imported steak, local chicken, pork, fish, vegetables. Mild is a major
expence for me ($ up to 40 a month)
Beer/booze - 250 - 300. Beer drinker in the bars, includes about 25 bottles of wine a month at home.
Visa - 35 a month - I think now is 350 a year
Drivers License - 5 a month - 45 a year
Budget at least - 100 a month for all those miscellaneous things that come up
TOTAL - $900 per month PLUS - girls, travel, etc wild expenses.
Almost no traffic, air so clean it is hard to believe, no f***n cocks crowing, horns honking, traffic jams. Decent roads/sidewalks in main parts of town. Well over 100 foreign bars, restaurants to choose from. Many nationalities of food available. 7 beaches if you like them. $.50 (yes fifty cent beer around most of the days, or 75 cent, regular price most bars at night $1.00. Khmers are by and large a friendly bunch of people - except for some tuktuk drivers.
Posted by mollydooker on 10 July 2014 - 01:34 PM
We need a lot more like him!
London cab driver's answer.
You just got to love the Brits.
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the
cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching,
he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no
music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so
piss off and wait for a camel!"
Posted by Paul on 01 June 2014 - 04:34 PM
Posted by sunnit on 28 May 2014 - 04:45 PM
OK let me see if I can provide some detailed info.
First I use Capitol bus to travel all over Cambodia. When you arrive in PP they stop right at their main office located on St 107 & Capitol Rd.
The first Gh is Capitol walking down 107 street. Next is Nice GH @ $11.00 for very nice room Email them firstname.lastname@example.org for reserve room. Next across the street is Dragon GH with very large rooms @ $10.00 with everything except the refrigerator email@example.com . Very nice terrace restaurant and very good food with excellent English speaking Cambodian manager and beautiful assistant. They are always checking to make sure the food is OK and you are happy. All have good wifi even in the terrace restaurant. Next is where I am Hong Phann Hotel Gh just very new rooms @ $10.00 for one or two people. email Mr. Kokdeng Phou firstname.lastname@example.org for reservations can see if their web site works www.hongphann-guesthouse.com
You are close to an old shopping mall Orusey market that has everything and in evening has all sorts of folks cooking everything you can eat. just around the corner on Monivong blv. is Lucky Lucky Moto to rent motorcycle and get visa etc.. It is just a short 15 min walk to the big Sorya shopping center and lucky market and another big market with everything.
I do not use any tuk tuk just walk everywhere. When ready to leave just walk to Capitol and get a bus ticket for small money.
Hope this may be of some help.
Posted by Read2Learn on 22 June 2017 - 08:58 PM
A seriously depressed, but attractive, woman stands at the edge of a bridge, trying to get up the nerve to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman says, "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."
Posted by mollydooker on 10 June 2017 - 09:01 AM
1. A pilot who was a little too honest.
On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” Flight Attendant crew, the Pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants.
2. A flight attendant’s friendly reminder.
On landing, the Stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have”
3. This flight attendant who had a pretty good point.
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”
4. This airline that was keeping it real.
“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
5. This pilot who was keeping it even realer.
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
6. Couldn’t agree more.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
7. Good thing I was always the favorite.
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
9.Who doesn’t love freebies?
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
And from the Pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best Flight Attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
12. Can’t argue with this one.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt lake City: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the Airline’s fault, it wasn’t the Pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the Flight Attendant’s fault. It was the asphalt.”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
14. Practice makes perfect, right?
Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing. “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
15. Little old ladies are the best.
An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had a policy which required the First Officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our Airline.”
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,”Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”"Why, no, Ma’am,” said the Pilot. “What is it?”The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
16. I may have been on this flight.
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
18. The best one.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” — Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the Flight Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”
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