"I'm cycling to work love"
I go to get my bike out of the shed and realise its pissing down!
I think sod it, get back into bed for extra twenty minutes and decide to slip the mrs one from behind.
She moans and starts waking up.
So I say
"Its pissing down out there!"
"I know, And that stupid bastards cycling to work!"..
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry James I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife .
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Bloody autospell! It should read "wifi, not "wife"
(q) whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea
(a) would you let a lentil on your back for $100
I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'
So I turned it into wine.
I went to a bar today.
Once l had walked in, l noticed it was a gay bar ( not that there's anything wrong with that )
So l didn't stay too long, just a quick pint.
As l got up to leave, a barman offered to push my stool in.
Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps until Christmas.