An 88-year-old, very wealthy man, went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said,Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went bang - bang!
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.... Now, what do you think of that asked the doctor?
The 88-year-old said,Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.
The doctor replied, My point exactly!
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "it's really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under,
the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is ... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before
I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting
has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how
to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having
any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.
The kids at the Catholic Children's Home were happily riding their bikes in the yard, pretending they were motorbikes, when Father Mcdermott raised his hand commanding them to STOP, then unbuttoned his fly and took out his already erect member.
Little Jimmy; "Not the breathalyzer again!"
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!