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mollydooker

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mollydooker

THE OUTDOORSMAN
 
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
 
The patient described his typical day this way:
Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, drank eight beers and took four leaks behind big trees. 

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!

 

NAH,he replied, I'm just a shitty golfer.
 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

Me: Can I call an officer a pussy?
Cop: No.
Me: Can I call a pussy 'officer?'
Cop: I guess you could...
Me: Goodnight, officer
 
"Mommie, Mommie....did you know that nurses can come apart..?"
"Well...no. What makes you say that..?"
"Because the other night, I overheard Daddy say that he screwed the ass off of a nurse..!"
 
Christmas Present
 
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of rather sexy panties for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the panties. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Christine,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a tiny bit of fur showing.
 
 
 
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.
 
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
 
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
 
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
 
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

 

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering
different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a
gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. I heard her say,
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
I managed to mumble in reply
“Can I just feel your tits then?

 

 

 

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